Sweet Surrender


Fear of being controlled and fear of losing control creates a futile attempt of trying to be in control.  All of this is based on fear/ego.

The need for control is an addiction.  It is an addiction that most people have.  The need for control is probably the biggest Sin (Self-inflicted non-sense) / Fear (False evidence appearing real) that we have as human beings.  It is what stands in the way of a life of love, joy and peace.

It is this control factor that prevents us from being able to surrender and the paradox is the only way to find that which we seek (love) is to surrender.

This is the ultimate wake up, to understand that there is nothing to find through seeking outside ourselves. Grace is knowing we are not lost and never were.  Surrender, acceptance and forgiveness are all the same experience. It is through surrender, acceptance and forgiveness that Grace enters our experience.

We don’t know we are love so we start seeking it outside ourselves.  Our attempt to do this is why we fall into false belief’s that someone or something is trying to control us or we fall into the false belief that we can control someone or something outside of ourselves.

This fear of losing control and being controlled usually begins when we are very young.  It is what causes us to build up ego defenses.  This fear is what disconnects us from our true nature.  We forget that we are love.  So in a way we become unnatural and we start to create a pretend self, a false self.  We then actually start to grieve for our true self (but we are not consciously aware of this).  That is how all addiction starts.  This grieving for the true self creates suffering.  We bounce around in the stages of grief, anger, denial, bargaining, and depression, but we never reach the final stage of grief which is acceptance.

When we know we are love we can surrender to what is.  We are no longer seeking love because we know we already have it, we are it.  Our true nature is love.

Sweet Surrender – John Denver

Lost and alone on some forgotten highway
Traveled by many, remembered by few
Lookin’ for something that I can believe in
Lookin’ for something that I’d like to do with my life

There’s nothin’ behind me and nothin’ that ties me
To somethin’ that might have been true yesterday
Tomorrow is open; right now it seems to be more
Than enough to just be here today

And I don’t know what the future is holdin’ in store
I don’t know where I’m goin’, I’m not sure where I’ve been
There’s a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me
My life is worth the livin’, I don’t need to see the end

Sweet, sweet surrender
Live, live without care
Like a fish in the water
Like a bird in the air


Are Soul & Spirit different?


Are Soul and Spirit different?  Yes, in duality they are, but in oneness they are not.

This is my morning contemplation.

I have been trying to forgive myself for creating some recent suffering.  This is what created the suffering… I took something personal,  I tried to change something outside of myself,  and I judged.

I listen a lot to others because I am not usually in a state of trying to figure things out. I usually just am without much of an agenda other than to be present. I am in a state of surrender. I listen because I have compassion. But truly if we are not trying to figure things out would there be that much to talk about. If we do not talk about the past, about others or about what we are trying to achieve in the future…..what’s left to talk about? If we were fully present we would be more in a state of experiencing what is instead of what was or what will come?

This is what created my suffering… I was talking about the past, I was talking about someone else and I wanted to know what the future held, all of this was coming from fear.

As human beings we are becoming aware that all is One…all is Spirit….but most of us are not living it yet, so we are still seeking it. This prevents us from being present and it also keeps us going back and forth between love and fear. Fear is a contraction and love is an expansion. This process of contraction and expansion is like a birthing process, we are trying to be born into Spirit. We know that duality is not the absolute truth and we cannot help but to seek the truth until we become the truth, until we return to Oneness of Spirit.

The Soul is what appears as a unique form, it is what’s evolving. It’s what is trying to remember it’s oneness with Spirit.

Each of us thinks we are separate from each other and separate from Spirit. We do not know that the ocean is in the drop of water, we think we are just a drop of water separate from the ocean.

The Soul is what appears as temporary but is evolving in it’s remembrance that it is eternal, that it is one with Spirit. Spirit is Causeless, it has no beginning or end. When we become one with Spirit in human form, we are off the wheel of karma, we are not reactionary, we no longer experience cause and effect because we are one with the Causeless. But if and until that happens we will keep having reactions to what appears to be an external cause to the effect we are experiencing.

The Soul is constantly moving towards Spirit. When the Soul evolves to remembering it’s oneness with Spirit, it wakes up, it merges into oneness. It no longer is separate. This is experienced as Pure Awareness.

Awakening does not come easy because we want to cling to our separateness thinking it is the true self. We feel we will disappear if we let go of the false self.

Spirit has no qualities, it is not good or bad, right or wrong, it just is. It is Pure Unconditional Love.

Oneness is our natural state.

All experience is experienced by the Soul, but when you wake up, there is no more experiencer, there is just experience.

Awareness of Awareness

It’s all about Presence.
Unknowable to the intellect, obvious to the innocent heart.
~ Burt Harding

Recently I wanted to try to express to some close friends that I needed to take a break from being “the listener”. I personally did not want to continue to create any more stories or listen to the stories or others. I wanted to express that I was not ending the friendships but I was going to be spending time in silence. I did not want them to take my silence as rejection. It’s not that I did not care about their experiences or have compassion. I have compassion for all of us who are on this journey through life. I am just at a place of surrendering to what is and not trying to or wanting to figure anything out with my mind.

My communication did not go well. I ended up getting caught up in emotional reactions because I felt I was not being heard. This was hard for me to understand because of all the listening I had done in the relationships. I eventually realized that I again was making up a story in my mind and in reality there really was not a right or wrong, a good or bad, just another pointer to what is. I had to return to the truth of my being. I had to let go of the distorted perspective that my mind wanted to create. I had to see the story I was making up and let it go. I had to find my way back to Unity, Oneness, Love and Grace.

I am not sure why I am being called into silence but I trust it. I just have not figured out how to stay connected with others and not get pulled into the mind and stories and trying to figure things out. I don’t want to talk about how to get to oneness, love, peace and grace, I want to be oneness, love, peace and grace. And I know that I Am.

I am at a place of knowing there are no answers, I am no longer seeking. Silence and the stillness it brings is the only answer there is.

We may have a fear that if we let go of seeking that we will experience a sense of hopelessness, a sort of nothingness or emptiness, but in truth that is when we connect to all that is. When we allow ourselves to experience emptiness we find fullness, nothingness becomes the doorway to all-ness.

I think there are different stages of awakening. First we believe that what we seek is in the external, then we shift to internal seeking and finally we reach a place of knowing that they are one and the same.

There’s no one to believe in awareness, you can only be awareness. You cannot become awareness, you already are awareness. But because consciousness is inside this body also and consciousness is also the child of awareness, it’s the form of awareness. So awareness experiences itself with the assistance of consciousness and the body and you feel a sense of I Am. I Am is actually the Christian name for Awareness.

Documentary – “Beyond Thought”


To my friends…..
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and right-doing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
~ Rumi

Human & Divine = Wholeness

Human – Relative Truth: The human condition encompasses the unique features of being human, particularly the ultimate concerns of human existence. It can be described as the unalterable part of humanity that is inherent and innate to human beings and not dependent on factors such as gender, race, culture, or class. It includes concerns such as the meaning of life, the search for gratification, the sense of curiosity, the inevitability of isolation, and the awareness of the inescapability of death.

Divine – Absolute Truth: The absolute truth is without conditions.

An insight that has become crystal clear to me is the importance of integrating my human self and my divine self. I am beginning to feel grounded in that integration.

There is nothing more important than love and the expression of love through relationships.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known. And when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get, it’s something that we nurture and grow. A connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exist within each one of them. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. ~ Brene Brown

I believe that real love can only be experienced by making soul contact with oneself first and then with others who are capable of making a soul connection.

It takes tremendous courage to allow oneself to become vulnerable enough to make soul contact. Most of us have layers and layers of conditioning, fear and defenses that have covered our soul with a hard shell of protection.

If you are able to work through the fear and make soul contact it takes a conscious effort to sustain it. Most people can’t. Eventually frightened parts of the personality come up front and the soul is hidden behind fear. Love and fear cannot be experienced at the same time, we are experiencing either one or the other.

I know for myself living from frightened parts of my personality will never be enough. I must live life from the soul level. I am willing to do the work of staying awake in my own life and to invite relationship with others who are capable of participating in authentic soul based relationships.

As a child my first spiritual awakening revealed my soul and connected me to the infinite/absolute truth. As an adult I had a second awakening when I realized that the majority of people either never make soul contact or forgot how to get back to the soul, to return to love. I realized that most people live out their lives in fear or at the most have glimpses of real love. They live from relative truth alone. There is nothing wrong with relative truth, but without any understanding or connection to absolute truth a human being cannot evolve. There is much beauty in relative truth, it is the human part of us. But to be whole one must also connect to their divine self, otherwise they will try to make other people or addictions their source and be doomed to a fragmented existence. The integration of the human with the divine allows wholeness to be revealed with the outcome of spiritual and human maturity and the ability to love unconditionally.

I believe we are heading towards a final stage in human evolution where we will become One with Karma.

Krishnamurti once said of the Divine Plan: “The really important thing is … the knowledge of God’s plan for men. For God has a plan, and that plan is evolution. When once a man has seen that and really knows it, he cannot help working for it and making himself one with it, because it is so glorious, so beautiful. He knows, he is on God’s side, standing for good and resisting evil, working for evolution and not for selfishness.”

The more I know about the manner in which life is designed, the more awe-struck I am. In the end, I’m so taken by the beauty and the genius of the design of life, that I can only serve it.

At the lowest levels of the overall setting, it is relatively true that we have free will. But at the highest level of it, we see that God was the only doer of any action. Brave is the individual who would hold to the absolute truth that God is the only doer, true at the highest dimensional level, at the lower dimension where 99.99% percent of the population would not recognize the truth of that statement. I have faith that these percentages are changing, even if it is only one person at a time, one day at a time.

“Truth is what stands the test of experience” ~ Albert Einstein

“Believe nothing just because a so-called person said it. Believe nothing just because a belief is generally held. Believe nothing just because it is said in ancient books, believe nothing just because it is said to be of divine origin. Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.” ~ Buddha

Under the Radar

Yesterday I had a long conversation with my youngest son about conscious awareness, wholeness and spirituality. We also talked about our society and our perception that it is focused on materialistic consumerism, shallowness and pretense. We shared a sadness in the fact that we live in a society that is lacking authenticity and true connection.

I consider my son to be a very authentic person of high intelligence, sensitivity and presence. He is not loud, demanding and attention seeking. He has a quiet demeanor and would not necessarily be noticed in a crowd. You will not find him on Facebook boasting and collecting “friends”. He currently works in a library and has completed his education towards teaching Art. He is one of the most secure humanly and spiritually evolved people I know. He will most likely create a life to match who he is. Will this bring him riches and fame? Maybe not. Will he live a life of authenticity and contentment? Probably so.


The conversation with my son got me thinking about what motivates people towards lives of pretense or lives of authenticity? I believe that most people are seeking attention in order to feel validated. In a sense they are trying to prove their worth. So the more money, materialism, fame, spotlight on stage they can create the more valid they might feel. But what is the price for this kind of success? To me success is living a life based on authenticity and core values.

From a young age I have used creative writing as a way to validate myself and to stay connected to my personal truth, my essence/my soul. This is what I am doing as I write posts for this blog. It does not matter if anyone ever reads it. It is more or less a personal diary. It is me talking to me.

If I am able to encourage others to live a life of authenticity that would be a bonus. Mayybe if we work together towards a society based on authentic living we will evolve into a society of connection, depth, love and compassion. I believe it is possible, one day, one person at a time.

As I review my values I realize that I may live a life that is “under the radar” but it is an authentic life as I already know my worth and have nothing to prove.

1. Connection to Source
2. Mindfulness
3. Family
4. Overall Health
5. Independence
6. Unconditional Love
7. Trust
8. Silence
9. Integrity
10. Respect
11. Equality
12. Vulnerability
13. Communication
14. Creativity
15. Stability
16. Simplicity
17. Growth
18. Order
19. Commitment
20. Encouragement
21. Contribution
22. Comfort
23. Wholeheartedness
24. Joy
25. Authenticity

Closer I am to fine

My morning contemplation brought insight into the importance allowing has to being. The more I attempt to control myself or others in anyway the further I am from the present moment and to my own being-ness. Allowing may be one of the hardest things for a person raised in our western society to do. We are conditioned towards doing and achieving. Usually this leads to having some kind of agenda involving competition and also a never ending pursuit of happiness, a seeking and striving for some perfect finish line where we feel we have reached success.
I learned at a very young age (kindergarten, I believe) that the hare missed out on all the beautiful things along the road towards the finish line because he was in such a hurry to get there and to win the race. I have lived my life at a very slow pace (like the tortoise). This has been a blessing and a curse. I have often felt the value I have for the present moment and taking it all in has not been shared by those around me. I could not speed up and they could not slow down. I could not be anything other than who I was and neither could they. It has seemed at times that nature and animals were my only true companions. Humans seemed so preoccupied to get somewhere other than where they were.
I am not suggesting as adults we don’t need to be responsible and contribute, of course we do. But I think if we give more attention to what is to come than “what is”, we miss a lot and we miss the people in our lives. I think the term getting ahead of ourselves speaks for itself.
My barometer has not been winning or happiness, it has been presence and peace. It has also been fullness of being, which includes the good, the bad and the ugly of humanity, feelings and all, to be wholly human, knowing that I can never transcend the human condition, but I can embrace it.
There is no escape or bypass from the human condition. But when we accept this, everything becomes sacred, everything becomes a miracle.

“Closer To Fine”

I’m trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you’ve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I’m crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There’s more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

The Unbearable Lightness of Being


I have been going through some intense challenges and changes for over a year.  Some of the challenges are over and I have accepted some of the changes.  However I have been experiencing extreme stress for a long time.  I willingly allow myself to feel all my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly, knowing that the depth of my sorrow becomes the height of my joy.

My so-called low feelings such as sadness can feel dark, heavy, and dense.  But I do not resist these feelings, I allow them.  Sometimes when one is going through multiple and ongoing difficult times, it seems they will never end.

Recently on a fairly warm and sunny day I went for a stroll around my property.  I did not have a particular destination or agenda.  I was in a place of allowing.  A moment arose where I came to a natural pause.  I just stood there, I really had no thoughts, I was just experiencing the moment, I was just being.

In this moment I was filled with light, everything became light, I did not know where light began or ended, the light and I were one.  Time stood still.  I was in a state of pure awareness.  All was peace, all was light.  For a moment it felt unbearable.  There was nothing for me to hold onto.  I was in a state of complete surrender.  Because I have been practicing allowing for a long time, even though the experience felt unbearable I was able to continue to allow it, to let it be. Tears began to stream down my face as the light penetrated every cell of my being.  What now comes to mind is the book entitled, “Embraced by the Light”.  A true story of a woman’s near death experience.  But I was not near death, I was the nearest to life that one can be.  I was being embraced by the light.  I was being cleansed, healed, unburdened, set free, and loved.  The light seemed to have a presence of unconditional love.  In the light I felt a presence that was loving me, embracing me, cradling me as a mother cradles her baby.  I could not feel the ground beneath my feet.  I felt no weight at all.  I felt no boundaries.  I felt a cleansing through and through.  It felt as if day was breaking in my soul and the light was so bright it exploded from inside out.  I am struggling now to find words for the experience, I think the best I can do is, Amazing Grace.  I was so awake, the light was so powerful.  I felt that if I tried to see the light with my human eyes I would be blinded, I could only experience it.  In a way my human sight was not involved at all.

There was a moment where the light was so bright with such a high energy I felt that I would merge with it and not return to my normal state of being.  I think somewhere within me I knew I was being given the choice.  It was as if I was having a telepathic conversation with the light, I was being asked to decide if my highest desire was to merge with the light or return and share the light with others.  If I decided to merge with the light I may or may not remember my personal self upon returning to my normal state.  The moment I made my choice I experienced a gentle release from the love and light that had me in its embrace.

I have no idea what the time frame of this experience was.  Maybe it was only minutes but it also felt like many lifetimes.  What I  learned about myself, life and the reason we are here is more than I can share in a post. I will be spending some time trying to translate this conversation before I forget what I was shown.

I know now that we choose to come here, we choose to be here and we choose when we leave…..then we choose again….. and again….and again, until……

The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?” 

Milan KunderaThe Unbearable Lightness of Being