The Unbearable Lightness of Being

love-vs-fear

I have been going through some intense challenges and changes for over a year.  Some of the challenges are over and I have accepted some of the changes.  However I have been experiencing extreme stress for a long time.  I willingly allow myself to feel all my feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly, knowing that the depth of my sorrow becomes the height of my joy.

My so-called low feelings such as sadness can feel dark, heavy, and dense.  But I do not resist these feelings, I allow them.  Sometimes when one is going through multiple and ongoing difficult times, it seems they will never end.

Recently on a fairly warm and sunny day I went for a stroll around my property.  I did not have a particular destination or agenda.  I was in a place of allowing.  A moment arose where I came to a natural pause.  I just stood there, I really had no thoughts, I was just experiencing the moment, I was just being.

In this moment I was filled with light, everything became light, I did not know where light began or ended, the light and I were one.  Time stood still.  I was in a state of pure awareness.  All was peace, all was light.  For a moment it felt unbearable.  There was nothing for me to hold onto.  I was in a state of complete surrender.  Because I have been practicing allowing for a long time, even though the experience felt unbearable I was able to continue to allow it, to let it be. Tears began to stream down my face as the light penetrated every cell of my being.  What now comes to mind is the book entitled, “Embraced by the Light”.  A true story of a woman’s near death experience.  But I was not near death, I was the nearest to life that one can be.  I was being embraced by the light.  I was being cleansed, healed, unburdened, set free, and loved.  The light seemed to have a presence of unconditional love.  In the light I felt a presence that was loving me, embracing me, cradling me as a mother cradles her baby.  I could not feel the ground beneath my feet.  I felt no weight at all.  I felt no boundaries.  I felt a cleansing through and through.  It felt as if day was breaking in my soul and the light was so bright it exploded from inside out.  I am struggling now to find words for the experience, I think the best I can do is, Amazing Grace.  I was so awake, the light was so powerful.  I felt that if I tried to see the light with my human eyes I would be blinded, I could only experience it.  In a way my human sight was not involved at all.

There was a moment where the light was so bright with such a high energy I felt that I would merge with it and not return to my normal state of being.  I think somewhere within me I knew I was being given the choice.  It was as if I was having a telepathic conversation with the light, I was being asked to decide if my highest desire was to merge with the light or return and share the light with others.  If I decided to merge with the light I may or may not remember my personal self upon returning to my normal state.  The moment I made my choice I experienced a gentle release from the love and light that had me in its embrace.

I have no idea what the time frame of this experience was.  Maybe it was only minutes but it also felt like many lifetimes.  What I  learned about myself, life and the reason we are here is more than I can share in a post. I will be spending some time trying to translate this conversation before I forget what I was shown.

I know now that we choose to come here, we choose to be here and we choose when we leave…..then we choose again….. and again….and again, until……

The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?” 

Milan KunderaThe Unbearable Lightness of Being 

the-astonishing-light-of-your-own-being

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You Can’t Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

cake

So many times in my life I have found myself in a work situation or a personal relationship where it felt like the person or persons wanted to have their cake and eat it too when it came to what they were requiring of me.  Now I understand that when I am feeling this way it is a red flag.  It is time to stop and examine the situation and/or relationship.

When I start to feel this way it means I am at some sort of impasse. I need to make a choice or remain stuck and feel victimized.  Similar to being stuck in a traffic jam, I have to decide how I will deal with the temporary impasse.  I can sit idly and accept the situation, I can start thinking about what my options are once traffic starts moving, I can pull off onto the shoulder of the road and start walking (a choice with not so good consequences), I can turn on some music or audio book and enjoy the moment the best I can.  I can consider if there would be a better route to this particular destination the next time, I can feel victimized and start finding someone to blame for the cause of the impasse, etc, etc.  Then based on all my options I have to make a choice.  My choice will be based on the consequences of my decision and on my preference of what I want to experience.  If my preference is to feel victimized then I will start to blame someone.  Whatever choice I make will reveal to me my true state of mind.  And if I understand I am choosing to have whatever experience I am having I can no longer claim victimization and if I do I have to realize I must like the feeling and therefore I am not really a victim because I am choosing it.

I have always believed that I can have anything but I can’t have everything.  If we try to have our cake and eat it too we are under the belief that we can have everything.  When I find myself in situations or relationships that are requiring more than I can give and still keep my balance, I must be willing to see that this situation or person wants to have their cake and eat it too. It is up to me to show them that they have to choose to either treat me with fairness and equality or I will have to leave.  Just as much as I realize that I can have anything but I cannot have everything the same applies to others. There are many people and situations that will try to have their cake and eat it too, if we let them.